A Conversation With Coach Bu-terno

Friday night lights came to Vassar. The intramural touch football one-day tournament was held Friday beneath a light drizzle that glistened under the stadium lights of the turf field at Prentiss. Team Menergy, composed of about ten of my teammates on the Vassar baseball team, went undefeated and won the tourney for the second straight year. Because I had sprained my ankle a few weeks before, I was not able to compete. So, I became Coach Joe-Buterno. On the sideline, motivating his team to victory dressed in a shirt and tie and a lollipop in his mouth ala the Coach of Dallas Carter in the movie “Friday Night Lights,” was Coach Joe Bu-terno. I caught up with Coach Bu-terno after the game, his championship t-shirt drenched from the celebratory water-cooler dump.

Joe Bubar: Coach, congrats on your victory. How does it feel?

Coach Bu-terno: It feels great. We fought hard. We never gave up. We left it all out there on that field. Those were tough teams we had to face. But we had heart and we showed that out there. It was a grudge match. It was sloppy at times. But a wins a win.

Joe Bubar: Any other sports clichés you want to throw out?

Coach Bu-terno: Sometimes the ball just doesn’t bounce your way. Wait, no, that one doesn’t apply.

Joe Bubar: Coach, you have no prior coaching experience whatsoever, you’ve never played a down of organized football in your life and yet you were able to lead your team to victory. How did you do it?

Coach Bu-terno: I’ve watched enough sports movies to know that coaching is all about motivating your players. Gene Hackman in “Hoosiers,” Billy Bob-Thorton in “Friday Night Lights,” Denzel Washington in “Remember the Titans.” You think those guys have prior coaching experience? No. But you know what they all have in common? They all lead their teams to victory. It’s all about dressing the part and acting the part. Make your guys think you know what you’re talking about even if you have no clue.

Joe Bubar: And act the part you did. It’s been said that your speech before the first playoff game could be heard from the Senior Town Houses. What did you say to your team?

Coach Bu-terno: I wrote a speech before the tournament. I took a little from “Any given Sunday” and little from my idol Joe Paterno. I took a couple words here and mixed them with a few words there. I basically told them that it hurt me to know that I couldn’t be out on the field playing with them because of my ankle. And I wanted them to put me in their hearts when they were playing.

Joe Bubar: Coach, how did you become so good?

Coach Bu-terno: Success doesn't come easy. Except for me. I'm a natural.

Joe Bubar: How are you able to stay so humble?
Coach Bu-terno: I’ll be honest. When you’re this good, it’s tough.

Joe Bubar: So what’s next? Are you going to play next year when your ankle is healed or do you think you’re more valuable as a coach?

Coach Bu-terno: I’m not sure yet. I want to talk it over with my family first. I’m thinking about retiring, but then coming out of retirement and demanding a record-setting contract or a trade. That rout seems to be fashionable right now after what Brett Favre did, so that’s what I’m leaning towards doing.